Author Archives: nicolemdick

Master, the Tempest is Raging

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I am sad.  For days now.  Just so very sad.  And so tired.  I could sleep for days.  I think I need to. I think it would help.  My emotions are in my throat at all times.  Most of the time they surface while driving in my car.  I weep as if someone has died.  You know that cry.  You know that sound.  Maybe you have made it yourself.  It is a cry that is different from the rest.  It is scary.  It is alarming.  It comes in waves.  It stays true to its course, this emotion.  But when it is over it gently rolls out to sea leaving… not happiness… not joy… but some kind of peace and always, always a measure of gratitude.  Because in the middle of my hidden sorrows I find Jesus.  During the storm there is nothing else to hang on to.  No one else there.

Elaine Marshall said, “secret healing is not a single event. It happens as a process of living. You cannot simply take off a day or start tomorrow like a new diet and returned healed.  IT HAPPENS QUIETLY WHILE YOU FACE THE PAIN. It happens over time as you live, work, study and give to others.”

As of now I cannot imagine a day when I am healed. What will that day look like? How will I feel? I feel like I have lived in this for so long now but I am ready to live without it.

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“Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today. The depths of my sad heart are troubled. Oh, waken and save, I pray!” -Master the Tempest is Raging, Mary Ann Baker

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Freedom from PTSD

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PTSD is a mental health condition triggered by a traumatic event. Symptoms include vivid flashbacks, depression, anger and severe anxiety. Studies of American veterans returning from Iraq and Afghanistan estimate that 1 in 5 suffer from PTSD.

In 2012 more U.S. soldiers took their own lives than were killed in combat.

Don’t you feel ill right now?  I sure do.

That is why this August,  I am participating in the Wounded Warrior Project® (WWP) 8K Run. I know it is not a big run but it is a personal one. WWP has a big, audacious goal: to foster the most successful, well-adjusted generation of wounded service members in our nation’s history. I’m challenging myself to help WWP reach this vision, and I need your help.

My goal is to raise at least $500 by race day to help honor and empower Wounded Warriors. Wounded Warrior Project® (WWP) offers 20 holistic programs to wounded service members and their caregivers completely free of charge and 100% of the funds raised through the 2014 WWP 8K Run Series go directly to Wounded Warrior Project to help fuel these programs.

Please join my effort and give what you can by donating through my page. I know money is tight and LOVE is big.  Any amount of money, however small and any amount of prayer will be greatly appreciated!

DONATE HERE

Thank you

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A Route for Love to Travel

“Corrie,” he began instead, “do you know what hurts so very much? It’s love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. “There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill the love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or, Corrie, we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel. “God loves Karel—even more than you do—and if you ask Him, He will give you His love for this man, a love nothing can prevent, nothing destroy. Whenever we cannot love in the old, human way, Corrie, God can give us the perfect way.”

I did not know, as I listened to Father’s footsteps winding back down the stairs, that he had given me more than the key to this hard moment. I did not know that he had put into my hands the secret that would open far darker rooms than this—places where there was not, on a human level, anything to love at all. I was still in kindergarten in these matters of love. My task just then was to give up my feeling for Karel without giving up the joy and wonder that had grown with it. And so, that very hour, lying there on my bed, I whispered the enormous prayer:

“Lord, I give to You the way I feel about Karel, my thoughts about our future—oh, You know! Everything! Give me Your way of seeing Karel instead. Help me to love him that way. That much.” And even as I said the words I fell asleep.

Boom, Corrie Ten; Elizabeth Sherrill; John Sherrill (2006-01-01). The Hiding Place (p. 61). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

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“On the eve of his people’s horrifying destruction, Mormon fully realizes that there is no hope of his people turning back to God—yet still, he loves them “according to the love of God which was in me, with all my heart… nevertheless… without faith” (Mormon 3:12 and 5:2). And such is how God loves. In Enoch’s glimpse of God weeping, Enoch sees God love in naked vulnerability. It is love in the face of absolute loss. Love that bows to the agency of the Other, but does not break; rather, it draws. God the Father weeps out of love for his children and unfathomable pain at their suffering, and Christ the Son’s vulnerable, broken body lifted up on the cross has the power to “draw all men” unto himself —but not the guarantee ( 3 Nephi 27:14-15).”  Mormonism and the Dilemma of Tragedy

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Making Peace

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A few nights ago I was standing outside the Twin Falls Temple.  I was traveling to Portland to see my sister and brother.  My parents and I spent the night in Twin Falls where I went for a run and ran into the temple.  As I stood there staring at the house of the Lord in the setting sun I said a prayer.  I prayed that I would feel peace with something I have been dealing with.  In my mind with peace would also come relief.

I know it has only been a few days but there has been  no peace.  There has been  distraction but not peace.  Tonight while on a drive a thought came to me:  Maybe I am not to focus on having peace with   “you know.”  Maybe I  need to make peace with the struggle.  Because it is a struggle and the struggle isn’t just going to go away or stop being a struggle.  Maybe I need to make peace that there is struggle and there is pain and that is okay.  I remember reading years ago that “it is okay that it isn’t okay and I will heal.”

And it is.  It is okay that I am not okay.  I will heal.

And one day relief will come.  Or maybe slowly fade into my life.  Because peace is a process.

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Overwhelmed

This is the song right now people.  This is the song.  Please listen to it as you read.

Today was good.  Today was hard.  So hard.  I got something. I figured something out.  But now I have to go about doing it.  And I honestly do not know what the “doing” looks like.  I know in the end all will be beautiful but the process of “getting” to that space will be painful.  And I am scared .  Scared of the unknown and the vulnerability that takes place inside of me.

At the same time I am overwhelmed at the goodness and grace of God and friends.  Heavenly Father is answering prayers.    I read today that sincere prayer is always answered sometime, somewhere.  And I am choosing to believe this.  That all of my prayers that I have prayed are still in effect.  That sometimes it takes time to move a mountain but mountains will move.

Heavenly Father, I want to be good.  I want to be kind.  I want to be believing.  I desire to have a faithful heart . To love my brothers and sisters in the manner you would have me.  I want to live in your will.  I want to let go  of what you would have me let go of.  Please, please help me to let go and help me to hang on.

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Day 574

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Thank you Jesus for making each day new.  Thank you for my restoration, a work in progress.  Thank you for thinking me worthy of such sacrifice and dedication.  Thank you for teaching me to wait upon You.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your Son.  Thank you for giving Him to the world,  for my brother and my sister.  For my mom and my dad.  For the stranger and the friend. For me.  Even me.  Thank You for letting me experience the low so I can more fully experience Your grace lifting me high.

Thank You for never giving up on me  or abandoning me in my weakness.  Thank You for your continual forgiveness when I repeat the same mistake over and over and over.

Thank you for the priesthood in my life.  For men who strive to be worthy to use it.  For blessings and listening ears.  For council and concern.  For encouragement and speaking truth.

Thank You for hugs and positive human contact.  Thank you for BROTHERHOOD and my sweet sisters.  My sisters save my life.  Thank you for caring words and open hearts that invite me in and keep me warm.

Thank you for your promises.  I am desperately striving to hang on to them and actively choosing to trust You and Your Son.

Your Son.  My Brother.  Oh how I love Him.

Thank you for the calm in the middle of my storm today.  Thank you for the peace that settled over my mind and body.  Thank you for honoring my fast that I broke early because it was the right choice for me.  Thank you for the naps.  Thank you for the  summer air that was fresh and not too hot today.  Thank you for the beautiful place in which I live.

I want to be close to You.  Always.  That is what I want.  I want to be like You.  To live like You.  To love like You.  To trust and care and give like You do.

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My Everything

IMG_1154Dress: Anthro Last Summer/Shoes: Nine West/Glasses: Express/Boy: Best Friend

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Here I am wearing the dress over a swimsuit.  In the picture with me is my mission daughter.  Love her.  

So today I was thinking.  A lot.  I did a lot of thinking today.  Awhile back I watched this TED talk on why veterans (it just took me three times to spell ‘veteran’ correctly) miss war.   Very interesting and totally believable/understandable.  What it came down to was BROTHERHOOD.  While watching the video my emotions were sitting in my throat.  You know that choking feeling? There are a million reasons to cry and a million reasons not to.

My message to HWMNBN, I will be your brotherhood (family), I will love you.  I will have your back. I am not perfect but I am trustworthy.  I will do whatever it takes for you, as long as it is right and true.  I love you.  Let me be your brotherhood.  

So today I was thinking about  BROTHERHOOD and what my closet experiences with it that might relate in some small way to service men and women.  And I came up with nothing,  Nothing could ever compare.  But then I really thought.  Lately I have been going through some serious s***.  We all go through it.  And almost on a daily basis for months now I have AT LEAST one moment where I feel like I cannot go on.  Like there is no way out.  It is life or death. And in these moments there is one person who is right there with me.  Fighting for MY VERY LIFE.  And this person is Jesus the Christ.  HE is my BROTHERHOOD.   In those moments there seems to be only two outcomes: death or Christ.  My Brother literally is my Savior.  JESUS CHRIST is my brotherhood.

And maybe someday HWMNBN will let me be too.

But if there is never anyone else that will be ok because of  THIS.

Thank you Jesus for being my brotherhood.  My EVERYTHING.

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twenty nine

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I turned 29 this past week.  I love birthdays and I love getting older.  No problem.  But over the past few years I have spent many nights weeping over how I feel I have not accomplished anything in my life.  I am now 29 and I have nothing to show for it.  I do not have a degree or career.  I do not have any savings just a lot of debt.  I do not have the love of a good man, no children.  I do not own anything of value.  I am not super smart or play an instrument well.  No hidden talent.

Today I jumped out of a plane.  Which turned out not to be a big deal.  Pretty normal feeling actually.  On the way home I was listening to that Tim McGraw song, Live Like You were Dying, and I realized I have done some of this stuff.  I have gone skydiving.  Hiked in the Rockies.  I pulled the shoot to let the cattle out into the ring.  I have gone off-roading a number of times.  Rock climbed.  I have four-wheeled in the backcountry of Wyoming.  I have gone on road trips by myself and with friends.  I have hiked a glacier in Alaska.  Seen shows on Broadway.  Performed on a number of stages.  I have done stand-up.  Sang the national anthem at college games.  Flown a plane.  Eaten horse and other gross stuff.  Lived in a tent for a total of a year.  Spent wonderful days with wonderful dogs.  Went on an 18 month missions trip.  Worked at a homeless shelter for 9 months.  . I have fallen head-over-heels in love.  I have loved someone with that pure unconditional kind of love too.  I have helped to raise some beautiful children.  Now none of these things are special or unique.  But remembering and reflecting makes me realize that I do indeed live a full life.  And to the world I still have not accomplished much.  And the truth is I will probably never have nothing to show.  But I think what really matters is how did I love?  Did I forgive?  How did I start and end each day?

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Five years ago today.  I cried on the drive home from work.  I miss you so…

Grandma, i don’t know what to do.  My life is such a mess. I am a mess.  I am so broken inside and out.  They say that time heals but I do not believe that.  Jesus heals but time…  Things haven’t gotten better.  I have just gotten used to feeling dead inside, to everything falling apart, to having everything stolen.  I have done nothing in these five years that you have been gone.  Haven’t finished a thing I have started.  I have a really hard time believing that good things will happen for me any more.  I don’t believe that a good man will love me enough.  I don’t believe I will ever have my own family.  No one has ever wanted me.  No one sure as hell will want me now.  Supposedly these thoughts are just the depression talking but I don’t even care.  At this stage I do not even want help.  I just want out.  I hate that I have to stay here in Colorado.  I hate that I can’t just pick up and leave.  I hate that you are not here because I would just come to you.

I love you Grandma.  I am sorry I am not in a better place on this special day.

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Writing

I cannot tell you how healing writing has been to me over these past two weeks.  If you haven’t tried writing, you should.  Just writing in a journal or on your computer.  I have been writing in a new blog.  And it has been probably the most truthful raw writing I have ever done.  It has also been very painful and yet freeing at the same time.

I am grateful for a mind that can think and hands that can write.  I am grateful for prayer and a God who listens.  I am grateful for grief and the goodness that comes when I allow myself to fully feel it.

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