BELIEVE THAT I MATTER

What is to give light must endure burning. -Viktor E Frankl

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Last night my sweet sister and I had a great discussion about love.  Specifically making the choice to love ourselves.  I am going through the toughest trial I have faced up to this point in my life.  My sister suggested that I take this trial as an opportunity to love myself the way I love others.  The way God loves me.  Which made me ask the question, How do I show love to myself?  If you have any ideas, please, feel free to share!  I think I have a good start.

I was listening to THIS song today.  I typically think of my Grandmother when I hear this song but today I thought of myself.  I imagine myself singing this song to myself -about myself. Below are the lyrics.

I never dreamed of this sorrow,
I never thought I’d have reason to lament,
I hoped I’d never know heartbreak,
How I wish I could change the way things went!
I wanted nothing but goodness,
I wanted reason to prevail,
Not this bare emptyness.
I wanted Days of Plenty.

But I refused to feel tragic,
I am aching for more than pain and grief.
There has got to be meaning,
Most of all when a life has been so brief.
I have got to learn something,
How can I give her any less?
I want life to go on.
I want Days of Plenty

You have to Believe,
There is reason for Hope.
You have to Believe
That the answers will come.
You can’t let this defeat you.
I won’t less this defeat you.
You must fight to keep her there,
Within you!

So Believe that she matters!
And Believe that she always will!
She will always be with you!
She’ll be part of the days you’ve yet to fill!
She will live in your bounty!
She will live as you carry on your life!

So carry on,
Full of Hope,
She’ll be there,

For all your Days of Plenty

“In the midst of greatest darkness, even a very small candle will provide a wide beam.  So it is with the Lord in the midst of our greatest trials.  Refining requires heat, but it also enables light.  In your black moments, look for the light of the Lord.  Consider this–  is the burning worth it if within the process you come to know His light?” –Emily Freeman

4 thoughts on “BELIEVE THAT I MATTER

  1. Babe, you want the truth of loving thy self? Here it is. It isn’t easy. Love hurts. One only thinks it hurts when there are two parties …two people involved…a relationship….heartbreak or trials as a couple. But it happens when just one is involved. Like Dan was saying on FB…you just have to cut yourself some slack. This is how I made my own break thru.

    I had to come to the realization that sometimes I don’t understand my own journey through it all. I also needed to appreciate what I do bring to the table of my daily life: talents, loving others, charity, etc etc. My greatest help was concentrating more on my family, but I also had no choice as my dad is elderly. Throwing myself in something I new would eventually happen wasn’t easy. I had to accept that my carefree singleton life was over, and that was hard to swallow. Luckily it was gradual, and while I was a missionary I prepped myself for what was to come. Whilst other missionaries talked about all the wondrous things that they were planning to do, and all the excitement of college, dating, travel, work, etc etc. I was preparing to assist my father as he aged. I constantly would be checking out possible vehicles while in transit from one appointment to the next, scouting out elderly friendly vehicles, while my comps oooed and awed groovey sporty cars. They thought I was weird, but I new my duty. I also had have privileges of traveling all my life, and though I would miss extensive travel, I wasn’t crying about giving it up to care for my dad. But I did worry about me. Because though I would help my parents out with the farm etc etc., what about my own goals, career, etc etc? I had to seek that when I returned home and that has been a bumpy journey, still is. (another story)

    But lets get back to the matter at hand. My 20s sucked. MEGA. School brought me a lot of anxiety. Being an older single in the YSA program brought me anxiety as well. I’ve never been too worried about getting married. My Pat. blessing told me “in due time”, and my mission president, in my exiting interview encouraged me to concern myself about family….and nothing was really said concerning marriage, as it had been done with most missionaries that exit. I thought, “Well, the Lord knows!” AND HE DOES! That is what you need to continue to tell yourself…THAT HE DOES KNOW!

    I know, I know…how incredibly annoying it is when you can’t seem to have sucessful dating experiences when it seems soooooo easy for your siblings or friends. I know how annoying it seems when you think, why can’t I find someone that I connect with? Why am I alone? Why is it, that no one thinks I am cute enough to fall for? I know ALL of those doubting questions that can go through our thoughts. But, then I realized as I continued to go to all the singles activities and conferences…even out to Seattle, is that its not necessarily me. When it came down to it, most of the men I met eventually bored me…even just chatting with them or doing a service project, or whatever activity, sooooo unbearably boring. Even though I was attracted to many the handsome or semi-handsome and very appealing priesthood holders, when I was really real with myself, and listened to my own ideals and values vs. what members thought I should have, I realized that I didn’t really like these single dudes. I have a story about this one dude…but here is the synopsis about him: the ideal mormon guy, has a job, very charitable in service, wants a family, loves kids, has not a malicious bone in his body…etc etc. BUT HE IS BORING. I found that whenever I went on some pseudo dates with him I felt like I was about to sleep. Other, and practically all single ladies in several stakes in the area have gone on atleast a date with him, and many have found something like that about him, yet there stands lines and lines of women to dance with him at dances or flirt with him at activities…wanting to sit at HIS table. You know when he is at his home stake for an activity bc all of us locals are sitting at other tables. LOL…. but yeah, even though members were matchmaking us together…bleh! So yeah, sometimes you have NO ONE around that fits what your DEEP DOWN ideals are and that’s okay. Now, where do you find those who are?

    Think out of the box, but really don’t think too hard because the LORD KNOWS. Its timing. So in the meantime, UNDERSTAND THIS: you cannot, nor will not find someone unless you fit your ideal of him yourself. If you want a put together man, secure about self and not doubting, then you have to be that. Guys don’t find sappy girls attractive. Confidence…NATURAL confidence is what men find appealing. And there is a difference, and men see it more than women. I think it is equivalent to seeing a guy be overtly cocky, whilst knowing they are all NOT SO what they make themselves to be. So that is what you need to work on…make your ideal of him be your ideal for self. When I heard that exact same idea and truth years ago in DSM YSA Branch, that is when the lightbulb turned on. I realized I could go back to my past, I needed to press forward. I even did bold things…like speak up and tell a guy I liked him, even when I knew he didnt back and going into it knowing it would completely go wrong anyway, and just walk away being okay….and DANG i did and it was great! But also, I started to seek answers to why I think or believe the way I do about relationships. #1 thing I found out, MOVIES ARE FALSE. Love stories are warped. My love story is more real, even as fanciful as it may appear…and one day I will write about it, because it has not been a bed of roses. Its been about love, but not lovey dovey-ness. Its real, not movie like….though you can make your movie like moments, but its better after friendship and mutual respect has been established.

    Anyhoo—you need to realize that the LORD WILL SHOW YOU THE WAY. HE HAS A TIME LINE JUST FOR YOU. And you have to give up to that. Accept it. Accept his will for you! Quit messing with the timeline. Let life happen. Quit worrying. As soon as I quit worrying that is when my magic happened. Before I was just hitting walls. Am I saying you can’t make your own destiny? No, you can, but you can direct it in a healthy way, vs. beating yourself up. And always realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea. I know that is easier to say then live, but its true. And even though I am with John now, I know…if for somereason, something happens and we don’t marry, that there are other fish out there….but he and I compliment one another so well, I don’t know if that would ever happen…to go fishing again!

    So love thy self by trusting in the LORD. Quit obsessing with your timeline and let life happen. Still make goals…still seek everything praiseworthy….don’t change the good things, and continue to be proactive in singles activities (even when it seems hopeless—HFather sees us trying…and that counts). Oh, and know there is a reason for everything. I don’t know exactly what will come for my career, but I have to press forward…and your pat blessing, like mine, helps to keep us going. So hold tight to that, and pray often, finding new ways to ask the Lord what you seemingly always find yourself to be asking. Sometimes when you ask differently, a light bulb/ah ha moment happens, and that is when you understand yourself and what you want a little more.

    okay, I’ve rambled. I hope it helped in some way. God Bless…and as my Johnny says, “Live long, Eat fiber!” 😀

    HUGS, Veronica

    • nicolemdick says:

      Veronica, I love you! Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that you do. You are a help to me:)

  2. Sabrina says:

    One of the ways I show love to myself is “taking myself out on dates” or going out of my way to do something I would like to do. Example: Last Valentines Day (week) I bought a ticket to the opera “Romeo and Juliet”. I wore a pretty dress, I did my makeup and had a blast! I often ask the hypothetical question “If I had a significant other, what sort of things would they do for me, or I do for them?” Today, I made myself dinner and put on one of my favorite movies and bundled up in a thick blanket 🙂 Even though there are other things I may have needed to do tonight, I needed to appreciate myself. In the words of Oscar Wilde – “To love one’s self is the beginning of a lifelong romance”. Love you girl!!

    • nicolemdick says:

      Thank you for this! I love the idea of asking the question, “If I had a significant other, what sort of things would they do for me, or I do for them?” Great Idea!

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