Channeling Diana

“The greatest act of self-revelation occurs when we choose what we will believe” (The God Who Weeps, Givens, p.5).

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It was five years ago, around this time, when I was standing in the bread aisle of a grocery store. I stood there, staring, knowing, awaking. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way;” this truth, vibrating in the marrow of my bones. We needed bread and I knew that no matter what bread I bought it would be the wrong bread and I would get in trouble. So I stood there. Staring. Knowing. And waking up. It was a small wakeup. Just a little tiny something coming back to life inside of me. “It is not suppose to be this way.” I then choose a loaf of bread from the what seemed like hundreds of choices. I made my purchases and went back to the apartment. Needless to say, it was the wrong bread and I was punished.

My parents raised all of their girls to be strong, independent, kind and generous. I never thought I would be “that woman.” I was’t raised that way. But it all happened so fast, the abuse. There were flags but they were not red. We met. Fell in love. It was a dream. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening to me. I trusted him. We laughed. We had fun. He championed me. Believed in me. Encouraged me. We planned. We talked about the future. Every once and a while he would say something, do something that made me hiccup in my heart. And I called him out on it. I was not silent. But over time, these things he said, these things he did chipped away at my heart, at my mind. When the big things started happening I was already dead inside.

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After my little small knowing, my awaking in the bread aisle, I began to channel Diana. I put a picture of her next to my mirror in my bathroom. I wrote the words “Channel Diana” underneath. I don’t think I understood at that time what I was doing for myself, I was just trying to make it through another day. But that picture, those words became a meditation, a mantra that would help me come to life again. Channeling Diana, the Princess of Peoples Hearts, would help me survive a devastatingly abusive relationship, the wicked companionship of heartbreak, the deepest blues of depression and post traumatic stress to move into the rising light of post traumatic growth.

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With each act of abuse a small piece of me was being evicted until it felt like I was no longer living in my body. I didn’t exist. The girl I was was gone. She was no where to be found. She didn’t exist anywhere. I looked for her. I prayed for her. I cried for her. Writing this now, I want to tell you that she was there, pushed deep down inside of myself all along. But something about that isn’t right, not all the way true. There was a point on my journey of recovery where I would tell myself, in an effort to reframe my trauma, that the abuse did not break me, it built me. Those words were so pretty. They still are. I wanted so badly for them to be true but they were not. They are not. The abuse did break me. I was broken. There are parts of me that are still broken and that is okay. The abuse did not build me. I built me. I did it. I choose to do the work and I waded through the miry clay. God came to me and and He said, “Nicole, my daughter, here are your friends, here is your family, your church family, here is a therapist, some self-help books, good music, here are all of these tools. Most importantly, here is My grace and here is My Son. Now go and build yourself.”

And that is what I have done. Over the past few years I have built myself. With intention, in God’s wisdom and by His grace. But I had to choose. I had to make choice. Many over and over and over again. My healing isn’t something that just happened to me. It is something I choose to seek every. single. day. That is what this blog is about. It is about choosing what I believe or want to believe and then acting on it.

It is about agency. The freedom to choose. The ability, the opportunity to make a choice. It is about how I have harnessed my agency to live spiritual practices to know me, uncover me, create me and fulfill me.

The PURPOSE part:

You are welcome here. This space is for you. This space is for me. Here you will find a record of my spiritual practices. Some very Mormon, like me. Others very not Mormon, but also like me. Because I chose them. They found me and I chose them. I carried them home and wear them daily. If you feel inspired to try on some of the spiritual practices found here, please do so. No matter your religious and/or spiritual identity, if they lift you and fill you and challenge you- you can have them. They are free and breathe freeness.

“He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth…” (Psalms 40, New Testament)

2016-10-03-14-06-28You can read more about my story of abuse and healing by visiting channelingdiana.com