five

Five years ago today.  I cried on the drive home from work.  I miss you so…

Grandma, i don’t know what to do.  My life is such a mess. I am a mess.  I am so broken inside and out.  They say that time heals but I do not believe that.  Jesus heals but time…  Things haven’t gotten better.  I have just gotten used to feeling dead inside, to everything falling apart, to having everything stolen.  I have done nothing in these five years that you have been gone.  Haven’t finished a thing I have started.  I have a really hard time believing that good things will happen for me any more.  I don’t believe that a good man will love me enough.  I don’t believe I will ever have my own family.  No one has ever wanted me.  No one sure as hell will want me now.  Supposedly these thoughts are just the depression talking but I don’t even care.  At this stage I do not even want help.  I just want out.  I hate that I have to stay here in Colorado.  I hate that I can’t just pick up and leave.  I hate that you are not here because I would just come to you.

I love you Grandma.  I am sorry I am not in a better place on this special day.

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