She’s imperfect but she tries
She is good but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone but she used to be mine
(Lyrics from my favorite song right now, She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles)
Imperfect, good, hard, broken, messy, kind, lonely, mixed-up, beautiful, gone. These are all words I use to describe myself right now. They are honest words. They are words that I own. They are words that I am in love with. Recovering, redefining, recreating myself and who I am becoming is my joy, my annoyance, my self-care, my crazy and my greatest love right now. Who I am. Right now. Is my greatest love.
Not because I am so awesome (cause I am and not all at the same time)… but because I accept her. Me. Nicole.
Over the last six months my life has drastically changed. Let me tell you the story. Well, part of the story.
Every April my mother and I take our annual trip to the Provo, Utah to attend something that is called Women’s Conference. It is pretty much the bomb.com and where you want to be. It is two intense spirit-filled days. It is held on the campus of Brigham Young University (you know, I always have to pause and think about how to spell ‘Brigham” – Its a tough name for me). All day long classes are held on any and every topic imaginable and you pick and choose what you go to. It is fabulous. My mother and I look forward to going every year. Its our time.
When we were there last April (of 2014) we meet up with my bestie TROY (love you man) who at the time was preparing for graduate school. Troy asked me if I would ever go back to school. My response was a direct (hellllll) NO. And lets talk about “back” to school. At this point I didn’t even have my bacholors (see, just spelled that one wrong. Another tough word. Actually had to google it) BACHELOR degree (another story).
Then I heard myself say, “But if I diiIiid… I would return for a masters in divinity and become a chaplain.” Cause I have that all figured out?? Excuse me, what is a chaplain??
Our lovely mother/daughter trip came to an end and I flew back to Colorado.
So I was sitting in therapy -because I be all about that life (you’re welcome)- telling my therapist about my trip and the conversation with Troy and he STOPS me.
“Why don’t you go back to school?”
“uhhh. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, I,J,K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z, should I continue?….”
“Nicole, correct me if I am wrong, but those all sound like fears. If it is fear stopping you from going back to school that is something we can work with. We can work through your fears.”
So I started to look into it. You know, on the internet. Where it’s safe. The more I researched the more excited I became. I made some calls. Visited some schools and applied. There is so much more to this story that will become a another blog post but here is where I am today:
At the completion of my first semester of GRAD school. What!? What!?
I am just as imperfect, good, hard, broken, messy, kind, lonely, mixed-up, beautiful, and some what gone. But I am liking the sweet turn my life has taken. I am in a beautiful -and still challenging- place. But I am liking it. I am liking who I am becoming. I think she is beautiful. I am proud of her. I still think she be cray, but in the best and messiest of ways.
(the evolution of my style in the past 3 months. –Don’t worry Rachel, my hair will be “normal” by the time your wedding comes. Ps. I cannot wait! You are getting married!)