twenty nine

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I turned 29 this past week.  I love birthdays and I love getting older.  No problem.  But over the past few years I have spent many nights weeping over how I feel I have not accomplished anything in my life.  I am now 29 and I have nothing to show for it.  I do not have a degree or career.  I do not have any savings just a lot of debt.  I do not have the love of a good man, no children.  I do not own anything of value.  I am not super smart or play an instrument well.  No hidden talent.

Today I jumped out of a plane.  Which turned out not to be a big deal.  Pretty normal feeling actually.  On the way home I was listening to that Tim McGraw song, Live Like You were Dying, and I realized I have done some of this stuff.  I have gone skydiving.  Hiked in the Rockies.  I pulled the shoot to let the cattle out into the ring.  I have gone off-roading a number of times.  Rock climbed.  I have four-wheeled in the backcountry of Wyoming.  I have gone on road trips by myself and with friends.  I have hiked a glacier in Alaska.  Seen shows on Broadway.  Performed on a number of stages.  I have done stand-up.  Sang the national anthem at college games.  Flown a plane.  Eaten horse and other gross stuff.  Lived in a tent for a total of a year.  Spent wonderful days with wonderful dogs.  Went on an 18 month missions trip.  Worked at a homeless shelter for 9 months.  . I have fallen head-over-heels in love.  I have loved someone with that pure unconditional kind of love too.  I have helped to raise some beautiful children.  Now none of these things are special or unique.  But remembering and reflecting makes me realize that I do indeed live a full life.  And to the world I still have not accomplished much.  And the truth is I will probably never have nothing to show.  But I think what really matters is how did I love?  Did I forgive?  How did I start and end each day?

five

Five years ago today.  I cried on the drive home from work.  I miss you so…

Grandma, i don’t know what to do.  My life is such a mess. I am a mess.  I am so broken inside and out.  They say that time heals but I do not believe that.  Jesus heals but time…  Things haven’t gotten better.  I have just gotten used to feeling dead inside, to everything falling apart, to having everything stolen.  I have done nothing in these five years that you have been gone.  Haven’t finished a thing I have started.  I have a really hard time believing that good things will happen for me any more.  I don’t believe that a good man will love me enough.  I don’t believe I will ever have my own family.  No one has ever wanted me.  No one sure as hell will want me now.  Supposedly these thoughts are just the depression talking but I don’t even care.  At this stage I do not even want help.  I just want out.  I hate that I have to stay here in Colorado.  I hate that I can’t just pick up and leave.  I hate that you are not here because I would just come to you.

I love you Grandma.  I am sorry I am not in a better place on this special day.

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Writing

I cannot tell you how healing writing has been to me over these past two weeks.  If you haven’t tried writing, you should.  Just writing in a journal or on your computer.  I have been writing in a new blog.  And it has been probably the most truthful raw writing I have ever done.  It has also been very painful and yet freeing at the same time.

I am grateful for a mind that can think and hands that can write.  I am grateful for prayer and a God who listens.  I am grateful for grief and the goodness that comes when I allow myself to fully feel it.

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Permission

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Today I give myself permission to have hard moments when I feel like I can’t breathe, like I am chocking, dying. Moments when I crumble, fall apart, breakdown.  Moments when I hate myself and want to give up, give in, isolate, scream, cry and beg for release.

I also give myself permission to show myself love by breathing deeply and choosing to rise and reach out.  To call upon my war council.  To choose faith.  To choose to believe that one day a good man will love me, want me and treat me not only the way I deserve to be treated but better than I deserve.  A man that will not love me in spite of my struggles and weaknesses but because of them.  I give myself permission to believe that I am worthy of such love – BECAUSE I AM.

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This Video makes me miss my pup so much.

Today I give myself permission…

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to love him anyway (even though I shouldn’t), to heal, to believe that someday a good man will love me the way I deserve

 

…and to forgive myself for still wanting him….

and I still believe

 

you

are a good man

The Art of Lonely

I believe in loneliness.  I was inspired by my mother to love being alone.  I am sure she has no idea she influenced this in me but I am grateful she did.  I remember growing up my mother would occasionally go see a movie by herself or out to eat alone.  So when I first moved out of state and had trouble making friends I started to do the same thing.  I would occasionally take myself out to eat or to the movies.  I have since gone on trips by myself, stayed in hotels by myself.  Shopping. Dates. To the theatre, to the museum, to the coffee shop.  Explored old buildings on a campus I do not even attend.  Gone on walks and to community classes. Hiking. Driving.  All alone.  “lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.”

Below is a great little video on how to appreciate alonedom.

 

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Sunday August 19 2007

Today Sister Clarke and I are up in Pine.  Sister Clarke is play How Great Thou Art on the violin in the Pine ward today.  I am so happy to be a missionary today.  I love coming up to Pine.  The drive is beautiful.  And the town of Pine is so cute!  I want my family to come up here after the mission to see this beautiful place and to meet the people.

Roger is here!  He came to church!  Oh my heart is full!  Please God, please let him enjoy church.  Please help him to feel the spirit!  Please help him to have a strong desire to continue to come to church.  I know you are working changes in his heart.  Please work miracles in this man’s life!  I know You want to bless him.  Please help him to recognize how You are blessing him for coming to church and keeping the commandments.  Please be with the speakers and teachers that they may say what you would have them say.  Thank you so much for Roger being here.  Roger is one of my favorite people.  Roger Buchanan is an artist.  Dad would love his art.  They could spend so much time talking about art.  I want dad to meet Roger.  Roger hasn’t been to church in 50 years…until today.  Roger likes to argue with us over the mission rules (like not going in his house or riding in his truck).  He gets mad and likes to test us.  Its ok though.  I love Roger.  I want him to be able to go through the temple.  He is such a special person.  He is in his 60s.  Roger talks about child abandonment A LOT.  He has some issues with that.  He is very strong-willed but he has a soft heart.  When Sister Clarke and I sing to Roger he cries.  I love this man.  You can see God working in this man.  It is so beautiful and wonderful.

Yesterday I met Sister Butler.  She finished her mission and is at BYU.  She spent a semester in the Jerusalem Center.  That would be so cool.  I would would love to do that- go to Israel.

I hope Roy went to church in Payson today!  I really hope so.  He needs it so much.

So Thursday we were up in Pine and we went to Debbie England’s home for dinner.  She lives deep down through the mountains.  You take a dirt road with a lot of pin needle turns to get there.  It was so beautiful and I was thinking about what kind of life I want.  And I had what I am going to call a vision or a dream.  It was of me and my husband driving in a vehicle, traveling in the setting sun, evening light.  And I was reading the Ensign.  We were feeling such peace.  We were looking at each other with love in our eyes.  It was so lovely.  Heavenly Father, help me to become the woman you want me to be and my husband the man you want him to be.  Please help me to marry the right man.  The one that I should.  The one you want me to.

Heavenly Father, I want to travel a lot.  I really, truly want to travel the world and experience all that you have created and all the different beautiful cultures of Thy children.  Is this a worthy desire? I want to make this happen in my life.  I want to marry a man with the same desires and real intent.

 

50 Years

I just read this beautiful blog post entitled The Real Truth about ‘Boring Men’ -and the Women who Live with Them: Redefining Boring.  It is all about what real romance and love looks like.  I loved loved loved it and know that every bit of it is true.  After reading it I got down on my knees and prayed to Heavenly Father.  I prayed that I would get 50 years with a ‘boring man.’  The older I get the less likely 50 years is possible.  Before long my prayer became pleading.  It is a righteous desire that may never come to pass in this mortal life of mine.   But then a thought came to me.  It is possible and sure that I can have 50 years with the most amazing man of them all.  And that man is Jesus Christ.  No matter who comes and stays or comes and goes He is lover of my soul.  “Real romance is sacrifice.”  Jesus Christ paid the ultimate sacrifice for me.  I love my Savior, my Redeemer.  He is the priesthood holder in my home.  He is ever faithful.  He is real.  Because my heart belongs to Him – He is mine.

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Its December!

THIS MOVIE:

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This Song:

Myself (see HERE)

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Josie

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What I like about me…

For almost two years I have had a list posted above my bed.  This list is entitled “What I like about myself…”  Until recently there have only been four things on the list.  My roommate finally became irritated over this so she took it upon herself to add to the list things that I should like about myself.  I am glad she did.  Thank you Liz.  I love you.  Here is the list:

  1. My crazy hair
  2. My green eyes
  3. My ability to be myself
  4. My growing testimony
  5. My ability to love people
  6. My creativity
  7. My appreciation of beauty
  8. My patience with children
  9. My ability to set and accomplish goals

10. My willingness and love of service

11. My sense of style

12. That I am loyal

13. My willingness to try new things

14. That I honor and remember the dead

15. My ability to celebrate life

16. My feet

17. My smile

18. My figure

19. My ability to empathize

20. That I am proactive about self-improvement

21. My sense of humor

22. My ability to share Christ’s love

23. My ability to see people as God’s children

24. My love of animals

25. My desire to improve

26. My ability to apply and understand the Gospel

27. My love of road trips and travel

28. My ability to stay in-touch with people

29. My courage in being vulnerable

30. That I will ask questions

31. My ability to dream

32. My ability to hope and believe

33. My ability to listen well

34. I am confident

35. I am a good friend

36. My love for children

37. I am a good cook

38. I am creative in serving others

39. I am diligent in accomplishing hard things

40. I am good at giving and receiving gifts

41. I try to be humble enough to accept help for others

42. I have a good sense of color

43. I have a good sense of right and wrong

44. I can make a dang good fire

 

 

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What do you love about yourself????