Tag Archives: Blessings

30 Seconds

Last week I was in a cycling class.  We were getting ready to start three 30 seconds of uphill sprints.  Right before we began the instructor yelled out “30 seconds is nothing!”  My very first thought was

30 Seconds is Everything!

30 Seconds.  30 Seconds of brave.  30 Seconds of courage, of being vulnerable.  30 Seconds of truth, of speaking up, of letting go.

I have been working on letting go and this is what I have learned:  Letting go, surrendering to God is not a one time deal.  It is a continuous choice we have to make over and over again.  I feel like I am having to make the choice of “letting go” every moment of every day.  And it is exhausting.

Do you know what else is exhausting? Grief.

Denial/isolation.  Anger.  Bargaining.  Depression. Acceptance.  And over and over again.  In any order.  There are moments of clarity and sweet peace.  But grief lives on and never dies.  Grief is my constant companion.  Grief goes with me every day.  And although she is tiring, she is not all bad.  She is as beautiful and healing as she is lonely and painful, my friend Grief.

30 Seconds.  If I can hold it together, or cry it out.  If I can pray on my knees or reach out to a friend.  Breathe deeply.  30 seconds .  I can be okay.

Something that has been helping me a lot lately is  the  lyrics to the song “Come , Come ye Saints”  by William Clayton.  Listen to song HERE.  When thinking of BRENNAN, this last verse has been very comforting.

And should we die before our journey’s through, Happy Day!  All is well!

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We then are free from toil and sorrow, too; With the just we shall dwell! But if our lives are spared again to see the saints their rest obtain, Oh, how we’ll make this chorus swell–All is well! All is well!

Please sure to visit her “give forward” page to help her young family HERE.

30 Seconds

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Brennan

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My sweet friend Brennan passed away last night .  She is a loving wife and mother.  Brennan and I met my first year at BYU.  She is beautiful and fun-loving, everybody’s friend.  Very much the girl next door.   I love Brennan and feel more than blessed to have known her in this life.

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I have also written about Brennan  HERE.

Brennan, I don’t know what to say, what to tell you.  I love you.  You are the miracle. All my love, Nicole

there is no death, only change

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Not One More Day

Last night I had a partial meltdown.  I expect the other half to make it’s way around sometime later in the week.  I emailed my therapist and told him I couldn’t live like this anymore more.  Not for more day can I live in my heartache. Can I live with the aftermath of others’ choices. Can I live with the stress and  tangle of high emotions that live inside of me.  That I cannot strive for healing and relief that doesn’t seem to come, that never shows it’s face.  Not another day.

But today IS another day.  I woke up and all is the same.  Everything inside of me and everything outside of me.   And I am tired.  Can you relate?

If there are times when you think, “I can’t handle my children, or my checkbook, or my illness, or the urge to eat brownies at midnight, or the lack of a husband, or the lack of a good husband, or a family who doesn’t appreciate me, one more day,” you’re not alone. The Savior’s divine empathy is perfect, so He knows how to help us. He rarely moves the mountains in front of us, but He always helps us climb them. Because of Him, you don’t have to confront grief or insecurity or an addiction alone. With His help, you can resist temptation. With His help, you can change, forgive those who’ve hurt you, and start over. With His help, you can become your true self. With His help, your capacity and energy can increase. With His help, you can be happy again. The Savior promised, “My grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” (Sheri Dew)

With His  help I can do this one more day.  And the day after that.  And then the day after that.  Another and another .  And little by little (I am choosing to believe) that His grace is healing me.  His grace is strong .  His grace is making me able.  Because of Him I can face pain and feel peace.  Because of Him I can be happy.  I am choosing to believe.

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Overwhelmed

This is the song right now people.  This is the song.  Please listen to it as you read.

Today was good.  Today was hard.  So hard.  I got something. I figured something out.  But now I have to go about doing it.  And I honestly do not know what the “doing” looks like.  I know in the end all will be beautiful but the process of “getting” to that space will be painful.  And I am scared .  Scared of the unknown and the vulnerability that takes place inside of me.

At the same time I am overwhelmed at the goodness and grace of God and friends.  Heavenly Father is answering prayers.    I read today that sincere prayer is always answered sometime, somewhere.  And I am choosing to believe this.  That all of my prayers that I have prayed are still in effect.  That sometimes it takes time to move a mountain but mountains will move.

Heavenly Father, I want to be good.  I want to be kind.  I want to be believing.  I desire to have a faithful heart . To love my brothers and sisters in the manner you would have me.  I want to live in your will.  I want to let go  of what you would have me let go of.  Please, please help me to let go and help me to hang on.

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Day 574

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Thank you Jesus for making each day new.  Thank you for my restoration, a work in progress.  Thank you for thinking me worthy of such sacrifice and dedication.  Thank you for teaching me to wait upon You.

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your Son.  Thank you for giving Him to the world,  for my brother and my sister.  For my mom and my dad.  For the stranger and the friend. For me.  Even me.  Thank You for letting me experience the low so I can more fully experience Your grace lifting me high.

Thank You for never giving up on me  or abandoning me in my weakness.  Thank You for your continual forgiveness when I repeat the same mistake over and over and over.

Thank you for the priesthood in my life.  For men who strive to be worthy to use it.  For blessings and listening ears.  For council and concern.  For encouragement and speaking truth.

Thank You for hugs and positive human contact.  Thank you for BROTHERHOOD and my sweet sisters.  My sisters save my life.  Thank you for caring words and open hearts that invite me in and keep me warm.

Thank you for your promises.  I am desperately striving to hang on to them and actively choosing to trust You and Your Son.

Your Son.  My Brother.  Oh how I love Him.

Thank you for the calm in the middle of my storm today.  Thank you for the peace that settled over my mind and body.  Thank you for honoring my fast that I broke early because it was the right choice for me.  Thank you for the naps.  Thank you for the  summer air that was fresh and not too hot today.  Thank you for the beautiful place in which I live.

I want to be close to You.  Always.  That is what I want.  I want to be like You.  To live like You.  To love like You.  To trust and care and give like You do.

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